TrueYarn: Kenya ‘deports Jesus’, Ben Bruce’s uncommon sense, Abbo the icon

In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of clickbait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.

Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.

Here goes:

Kenya ‘deports Jesus’

Promising miracles and healing people, Jesus visited Africa last weekend, precisely Kiseria, a town in Kenya.

Aptly portraying the image of White man’s Jesus, he donned a robe with baggy sleeves and sported a long dirty blonde hair.

The son of God proved to be a show-stopper, marvelling congregants as he attended a heavenly event where locals were ecstatic to be in the presence of the divine.

But because he came ahead of the promised second coming, Jesus was deported back to the US.

Stop Press!

Not everything you just read is true, and some of what you may have heard on social media about the so-called Jesus is fake.

The son of God in question is an evangelist and Jesus-actor from Orlando, Florida. His name is Michael Job and he works at a theme park called ‘The Holy Land Experience’.

He was invited to Kenya for a series of crusades – and while in Kiseria, he preached and acted in a Jesus-themed stage play.

At the moment, Job is still in Kenya, preaching in schools and doing the Lord’s work.

Somebody shout Halleluyah!

 

Cassper, the Nigerian immigrant

As if it wasn’t bad enough that Nigeria recently wounded the ego of South Africans in the quarter-final of the African Cup of Nations, Cassper Nyovest now wishes he is one of us.

Cassper, arguably South Africa’s best hip hop export, says his heart is in Nigeria.

His admission hurt South Africans so much, particularly AKA; his hip hop frenemy who really hates losing to Nigerians.

Given that Cassper flows better than most Nigerian rappers, someone should alert Nigerian Immigration that we have a skilled immigrant craving asylum.

 

Gedoni kisses and tells

BBNaija’s Khafi and Gedoni seem to have mastered the art of under-the-sheets sex, with the pair recently taking a third stab at it.

Gedoni says Khafi, who took an intercourse break for eight years, has a huge sexual appetite and “every night, she dey disturb me”.

To ward off her advances, Gedoni claims that he puts Kiwi in his mouth, knowing fully well that she’s allergic to the fruit.

How do we know all this?

Because Gedoni shared the gist with Frodd, indicating that he doesn’t subscribe to the philosophy of ‘real men don’t kiss and tell’.

 

Ben Bruce’s uncommon sense

Anyone supplying diesel or petrol to Ben Bruce’s Silverbird Group is about to make it big time.

The ex-senator has declared that his staff must buy only electric cars moving forward.

And since the electricity situation in the country leaves so much to be desired, one can only expect Silverbird staff to charge their cars at work.

Don’t be surprised when you start hearing that Silverbird staff are now sleeping over in the office.

Meanwhile, as the ex-lawmaker has said “we will not issue car-loan to any staff except they want to buy an electric car,” he should also prepare to give out generator loans in the nearest future.

 

Abbo, the sex icon

Days after asking an ex-power minister a question about a rail project that is under the transportation ministry, Elisha Abbo has been honoured for his innumerable contribution to Nigeria’s democracy.

The distinguished first-time senator has done so much to strengthen Nigeria’s democratic institutions, and as such, he is worthy of being named “icon of democracy”.

Abbo, recently caught on tape assaulting a woman at a sex store, was given the award by the Intercommunity Awareness for Change and Development Initiative (IACDI).

While delivering his acceptance speech, Abbo advised his youthful audience not to go about beating up women — not because it’s indecent and against the law — but because they “may contest election tomorrow”.

As a result of the woman-beating scandal and his excellent grasp of the workings of government, Abbo believes that young people from around the world “will draw strength from me”.

 

Side-EYE

Nollywood actress Daniella Okeke has had an awakening of sorts.

The actress who has been drawing gazes by flaunting her curvy shape for over a decade now says “you don’t have to be shaped like a Coke bottle to catch attention. Your brains can catch everything”.

What an epiphany!