In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of clickbait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.
Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.
Tonto’s 40-second sex
Our sista in the Lord, Tontolet of Ikwerre yet again proved to unbelievers that hell indeed hath no fury like a woman scorned.
After quietly enjoying 40 seconds — and a memorable one-minute — sex during her two years marriage, Tonto Dikeh is now spilling the beans and singing like a canary in heat.
The actress is also lashing out at anyone who dares to advise her to take a chill pill. IK Ogbonna and Funnybone now know better than to wade into her murky affairs.
Even Ifeanyi Dike, chairman of AGN BoT, was not spared. When he dangled the hammer of sanction over her head, she roared like a lion attacked by a swarm of bees.
Tonto said: “Dear Prince Ifeanyi Dike, f**k you sir and please shove your freaking sanction right in your b**t hole… you have not sanctioned the actresses going to Dubai to open their mouths for old men to poop inside or the ones pushing drugs.”
Really? Actresses eat poop for money?
Naira Marley, street-hop artiste and Yahoo ambassador, is furious with an ‘elder’ in the game.
Just as the singer was basking in the euphoria of his Zlatan Ibile-assisted Yahoo Boys anthem, Ruggedman described him as a fraudster.
“For a young upcoming artiste, you don’t come out and celebrate fraud. We are not supporting that boy. He is a fraudster,” the old hand said.
Since we are all mates on social media, Marley could not afford to disappoint. He lashed out: “You are a nobody. Your time is gone. You are a downgoing artiste. You are a Naira Marley blogger.”
Meanwhile, singer Jaywon is asking a very important question: ‘I’m I a Yahoo Boy?’
Damn, Jaywon, ‘am really tayad‘ of your bad grammar.
‘What a man can’t do, a woman can do better’ is perhaps the best way to describe the recent exits of Tiwa Savage and Simi from their respective record labels.
Simi decided against renewing her contract with X3M while Savage left Mavin after seven years there. Both singers did the right thing, unlike the likes of Kizz Daniel and Runtown.
After signing a new deal with Universal Music, Savage said: “When you conquer your country, then your continent, the next thing is world domination.”
Hello Victoria Kimani and Seyi Shay… how market?
Like Yahoo Boys, like Naija politician
How can you accuse a child of being lazy when his father is the king of Netflix and chill?
This analogy best describes what Seun Kuti meant when he said Yahoo Boys are legitimate children of politicians.
“Our ability as Nigerians to pick and choose what criminals to hate and what criminals to jump and dance for is the reason we can’t develop especially when the criminals we shuck and jive for are the real devils,” he said.
Apparently, when Seun is not shooting himself in the foot by warning us to stop identifying with our father — Fela –, he can really make sense.
Dogged Doyle out of dog house
In 2017, it was reported that Patrick and Ireti Doyle’s marriage was over, but alas that wasn’t exactly the true picture.
The veteran actor, it appears, was merely evicted from the ‘other room’ and sent to the dog house after “screwing up”.
Praise be! Iretiola has now taken him out of the dog house and reinstated all his rights and privileges.
Patrick Doyle “hereby pledges that there shall never be another. Her days of an undeserving and underperforming partner are over”.
Uncle Charly, our mumu don do
Quite frankly, it has become more difficult to take Charly Boy seriously when he’s talking politics.
After the ‘mago mago’ saga of allegedly receiving nine-figure payment from the Buhari campaign — which he later denied — Charly Boy lost the fickle trust of his followers.
The musician, after recently performing at ‘Night of a Thousand Laughs’, again delved into political matters. Only this time, our own mumu sef don do.
Uncle bros, park one side and face your hustle. Our mumu no be follow come.
Burna VS Mayor of DMW
We only know one Mayor of Lagos; Toni Kan. But that’s not who we are here to talk about.
Today, our focus is on the premature Mayor of Lagos who thrives by remixing and sampling old hit songs.
Mayorkun is livid over Burna Boy’s assertion that sky-high streaming numbers do not connote talent.
Burna had written: “This streaming shit be making people think they’re actually talented… Don’t think you are talented or respected cuz of your streaming numbers. Everyone with real working brains know(s) what is a joke and what is real.”
Mayorkun, who had celebrated 70 million streams around the same time, responded by saying: “Imagine blasting me on top streams when e be sey na because of Kanye West na him Ye take blow.”
Dear Mayowa, don’t be mad because the shoe fits. Take comfort in the fact that you are a talented sampler and gifted understudy of early-day Psquare.