TrueYarn: Cold Room On Fire, Ibadan Alien & Mercy’s Massive Weapon

In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of click-bait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.

Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.

Here goes:

Ibadan Alien

A few days ago, a power bike-riding alien visited the Ibadan axis of Lagos-Ibadan expressway – possibly to take over the road construction that has been ongoing for years.

Since humans have been unable to complete the work after all this time, aliens have been sent to proffer solutions on how to get it done.

In case you missed the viral video, there should be more than one alien at the more-problematic Lagos end of the expressway.

Hurry up and get there before they close for the day and journey back to space… or mars.

Futile Warning

For some reason, Otunba Segun Runsewe’s hard-on for Bobrisky has simply refused to soften – and with the transgender’s latest act, we don’t expect it to go down anytime soon. His hard-on, that is.

According to the culture defender, Bobrisky recently caused a commotion by using the female toilet in Abuja Airport.

For this reason, he has warned tourists and travellers – even those who have transgenders in their countries – to be wary of sharing public facilities with Bobrisky.

Because his obsesssion with Bobrisky is getting embarrassing, Uncle Joe Abah has advised the culture defender to ask Nigerians to kindly remind him of his job description.

Frodd’s Rare Virtue

BBNaija’s Frodd is an inspiration to many men the world over. He is proof that patience is a virtue.

After months of chasing and staying loyal to Esther, the emotional brother finally got a kiss that was neither for show nor strategic.

Despite the early days of rejection and mockery, Frodd deservedly basked in the euphoria of Esther’s attention after the BBNaija finale on Sunday.

Be like Frodd. Stay the course. Never waiver, never falter – and you could move from third place to winner in a matter of weeks.

Cold Room On Fire

Public Service Announcement; the infamous cold room of horror situated in the University of Lagos is momentarily no more.

The cold room, where young undergraduate girls are devoured like lambs to the slaughter, has suffered a life-threatening injury.

While still enjoying its spree of back-to-back goals, the cold room was tackled by the hidden cameras of BBC journalists.

The tackle was so strong that captains of the cold room had no choice but to jump ship.

Given the untimely demise of the cold room, UNILAG exam questions can be expected to be extra-tough this semester.

Mercy’s Weapon

By now you all know that Mercy – queen of highlights, lover of twerking, carrier of the perfect ass – is the winner of the hottest reality show on TV.

After Mercy won, Don Jazzy took it upon himself to say the mind of many Nigerians – that her “yansh performed wonders”.

But since we are in the age of ‘not saying uncomfortable truths’, Dencia accused Don Jazzy of “objectifying women in 2019” – just in case he forgot we are in 2019.

To defend himself from toxic-feminism warriors, Don Jazzy had to remind Dencia that Mercy herself said “her ass is her selling point”, in other words; her weapon of mass destruction.

Man Like Don Jazzy

Don Jazzy deserves a national honour, what with saying our minds and championing our causes in recent days.

The ace producer has urged the federal government to legalize cannabis… for the boys.

Maybe not only for the boys, but also for the economy and employment opportunities.

The don is right; it makes absolutely no sense for cannabis to be illegal when it is being sold in many street corners around the country.

Side-EYE

After the #SexForGrades investigation came out, some intelligence-defecient Nigerians on Twitter turned on Falz – right after ridiculing ‘local’ journalists.

According to them, since Falz has made himself the defender of morality, he MUST ALSO give his two-cents on the issue.

As the chairman of National Universities Commission (NUC), they demanded that he address the nation on steps being taken to curb the anomaly.

Mumu people.