TrueYarn: Ivanka’s Formidable Nipples, Bobrisky Not Alone & Almost-Embarrassed Gbaja

In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of click-bait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.

Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.

Here goes:

Mute women in church

In these precarious end times, all manner of gospels are being thrown about with wanton abandon like saliva from a bus conductor’s mouth.

The latest offering is from Chibuzor Ukaonu of The Restored Bible Tabernacle, aka The Ministry Of Perfection.

According to Pastor Chi, women must remain mute once they step foot in the house of the Lord. They may only observe and participate, but never utter a word – maybe possibly even pray and sing in silence.

Anything otherwise is a sin, says the man of God who lords over his church domiciled in Ejigbo.

Pastor Chi went as far as saying “it’s a commandment of God” and as such, we must all comply.

Almost-Embarrassed Gbaja

Femi Gbajabiamila, speaker of the house of representatives, was recently given a dose of the pill constantly swallowed by former senate president Bukola Saraki during the eighth assembly.

The country’s service chiefs last week showed Gbaja just how important he is by failing to honour his invitation to talk about the security situation in the country.

Because the service chiefs were busy with issues more pertinent that Nigeria’s failing security, they sent representatives in their stead.

Surprised by their action, Gbaja said he was “almost” – not fully – embarrassed.

In the meantime, he has reported them to Daddy Buhari who is presently preoccupied with his habitual goofing at the UNGA.

Bob Not Alone

Never again shall Bobrisky walk alone in his quest to transgend, scare and confuse Nigerians who have a problem with how he chooses to live ‘his or her’ life.

Following the onslaught on him by culture defender Otunba Segun Runsewe, a number of human/gay rights activists have sprung to his defense like a hen protecting chicks.

The groups said Runsewe has violated his human rights and “is endangering Bobrisky, and putting his life and wellbeing at risk”.

Meanwhile, one can’t help but agree with them that “by dedicating so much time into harassing and threatening a citizen of Nigeria who has not committed any crime, Runsewe is wasting taxpayers’ time and government resources”.

Ivanka’s Formidable Nipples

On Tuesday, the world got to meet Ivanka Trump’s attentive nipples, as they stood proudly and beamed with delight at the UN General Assembly in New York.

Despite sticking out like a sore thumb in a room filled with world leaders and serious people, Ivanka’s nipples held their own.

The nips refused to be cowed, intimidated or relinquish the spotlight to long speeches and important global issues.

They were the star of the UNGA and undoubtedly the undisputed centre of attention.

Ivanka’s formidable nipples will forever be remembered – and maybe one day win a Nipple Peace Prize.

Farewell Football

Hear, Hear! Football is evil and satanic.

This important information is being relayed by the founder of Rapture Proclaimers Evangelical Church who “served the devil for 990 years”.

A. F. Funmilayo wants you to re-evaluate your sporting choices because the ‘beautiful game’ is a creation of the Anti-Christ and it can lead you to hell fire.

The seasoned evangelist with a “strong apostolic and prophetic ministry” says Satan is behind the game and “God cannot choose footballing for anyone as a career”.

Given the all-too-important counsel from Evangelist Funmilayo, it now behooves on us to do away with the round-leather game and embrace sports like hockey and cricket.

Farewell football. You were once loved… maybe too much.

El-Rufai’s Public Affair

Now that Governor Nasir El-Rufai has enrolled his son, Abubakar Sadiq El-Rufai, in Capital School Kaduna, we have other expectations.

We would like to see young Abu trek to school and back home – or take the bus – like some of his fellow classmates.

And since his father wants to show the world that ‘what is good for the commoners is good for the rich’, it would also be nice to see young Abu in any general hospital and public primary healthcare centre if ever he falls ill.

We’ll stop at that for now.

Side-EYE

Did you know that having an oral sex is a crime in Nigeria?

Now you know – don’t say I didn’t tell you. See Section 214 of the Criminal Code.

Everything you just read above is by a law-abiding Nigerian known as ChiefOloye45 on Twitter.

Dear oral sex proponents, go in search of him – and do unto him whatever you desire.