TrueYarn: Juliet’s Expensive Masturbation, No Sympathy For Mercy & Etinosa Goes Gaga?

In this age of social media, if you blink twice, you may miss something. And because everything is now fast-paced, clarity is often lost in the noise of clickbait headlines, unending chatter of Twitter lords and visual excesses of Instagram sensations.

Enters TrueYarn to sift through the clutter, offer some insight, common sense and help you read between the lines of the ‘things wey dey happen for obodo Naija’.

Here goes:

Juliet’s Expensive Masturbation

Public Service Announcement: In 2020, you will have to pay Juliet Ibrahim for absolutely everything.

Every time you look at her pictures on the internet and drool over her curves, you will be charged for it.

If you watch her mediocre acting on TV, you must fork out a reasonable payment for her efforts.

Should you run into her in a public place and want to take pictures, make sure to first ask her; ‘How much for a picture?’

The Ghanaian actress plans to monetize everything she does in 2020 – “even masturbation”.

Hence the onus is on us to ensure she achieves her dream – as the good fans that we are.

If you need her account number for future payments, slide into her DM. But be warned, you may have to first pay for even that.

Mike, The Faithful Teacher

The other day, Mike Edwards took to social media to teach Nigerian men how to stay faithful, a.k.a, not cheat on their wives and girlfriends.

Don’t laugh… even though we all know that’s like teaching fish how to swim on dry land.

According to Mike, being strong in the face of temptations as well as “discipline and respect for yourself and significant other” are the ways to stay faithful.

So, dear Nigerian men, be like Mike. Have some damn discipline and self respect.

Don’t go chasing everything with a bum around town – because one day, you just might take a Bobrisky wannabe home for the night.

Blackface Backs Out

The person who said ‘money answereth all things’ is a gem.

After so many years of fighting to get “his rights” from Mr Innocent Idibia and dragging the latter through the mud of Instagram, Mr Blackface says it is finally over.

Because Mr Idibia and his lawyers have agreed to give him his songwriting credit, and pay him of course, Black says he will no longer disturb us.

Moving forward, we will be spared of his error-ridden rants and dramatic, sometimes incoherent, outbursts.

But now that he says the war is over, we are worried for Black.

How will he remain relevant?

Etinosa Goes Gaga?

Can we say a prayer for Etinosa Idemudia so that she may remain sane.

The Instagram actress appears to be losing it, and we are starting to get worried.

Just in case you’ve been living under a rock, she recently used a Bible as ash tray and also threatened to do same with a Quran.

The only reason she has not yet used a Quran is because she “can’t be giving you guys free show and giving bloggers free content”.

Once she gets paid for the initial stunt, the clout-chasing actress has assured us that she will proceed to the Quran.

Meanwhile, Idemudia says she has the backing of God – and that HE is behind her boldness in desecrating the holy “textbooks printed in Idumota”.

Her latest attention-seeking stunt is coming less than two weeks after she said “God sent an Angel” to her in Dubai – to gift her a white Mercedes Benz jeep.

Side-EYE

The chief schemer who plotted ceaselessly and literally fought her way to win the BBNaija Pepper Dem season is tired of celebrity life.

Reality TV star, Mercy Eke, says fame sucks and that she wants her old life back.

Now that’s rich, coming from the ‘veteran auditioner’ who tried four times in a row before she was accepted into the BBNaija academy of food, fight and arena games.

No sympathy for Mercy. None whatsoever.